Well today started out as a good day, it really did. The husband and I had plans to go to a nearby city and wander around minus the child. We really needed it. Well in the world of the sexes what a man says is seldom what a woman hears.
Tidbits of the Day:
He asks, ” Did you see a chart /graph…” She hears, ” Why didn’t you see this or that”
He says, ” Did you understand the word departures?” She hears, ” Are you dumb woman”
The whole morning went like this and in classic female brain curves and interpret every sigh/sign mode I decide that he really is having a bad time with me and thinks I am stupid.
I should have focused on the good stuff, his funny little smile when he surprises me or his comment of ” That’s a good idea.” But I do not and I seethe inside because I feel like I will always be short in the brain department or the looks department.
Side note here and I am probably going to offend some people, but I did not ever plan on being domesticated and I sometimes resent him and sometimes hate myself for falling into the domesticated bliss category. Frustrates me even more when I step aside from it all and KNOW that there is no magic marriage wand. I was going to go to college, have my own little house, work in lab pipetting bacteria onto petri dishes and have a few cats. After finding myself and being completely comfortable in my own skin I would then marry a very deserving man who got all my jokes and pretty much thought the sun shown out my ass.
Instead I married young because I could not imagine not being with him. I quite going to school because I liked working (making money) and did not want to drive 45 minutes up a hill in the ice and snow. I have sat in front of a computer for the past eight years doing admin work and I spend more time contemplating the pores of my nose and the dimples of my thighs than smiling at myself.
So you know where that leaves me folks? In reality, I set myself up by thinking that it all magically falls into place. I know it takes work to be in the real world and in real relationships, but I am tired of work. I want to drift away.
OK so… I seethe the whole day and instead of saying what is really bothering me I try to push it all aside and just be happy. Did not work, by the time we get home and he makes a comment about me saying “That clothes” ( I do this often, I think of clothes as a singular unit) I get angry and start crying and saying I am through and I walk away, he comes after me, I get angry and try to drive off, we argue, say mean thinks, he reaches across to grab my purse to make me get out of the car and I bite his hand. He throws a drink at me and tries to pull the keys from the ignition and I hit him. … Yep, disgusting and sad and it makes me hurt inside. I do not like violence at all, but for whatever reason when I feel like someone can control me physically I get crazy and respond like a dog cornered. It disgusts me and I feel gross, plus I kicked the car or something and think I put small fracture in my left tibia, it feels a bit tingly and there is a small dent.
So, send in the crazy police.
It comes down to that I just do not know how to talk to my husband. I really thought we would go out today, have fun, laugh and talk, you know like a coffee commercial but I do not even know what to talk about with him.
If we only drank gourmet coffee it would all come together
Well, enough of this sad, pathetic little diatribe. Time for bed and I hope I can forgive myself and he can forgive me. To quote Scarlett, “After all, tomorrow is another day.” She was kind of dumb though.
